Fixation

The whole concept of actually loving someone takes a toll when you find love in a not so very attractive being.. I mean, being pretty is something else but the idea of actually luring someone to make the person do things that even he would have never thought of doing..is definitely a catch. As a child you tend to picture the perfect face. Some are lucky enough to strike a match others are content matching the strike, i.e. allegedly assuming the face to be the one craved for. The twist happens when the second case looses. Its ok when you have the being by you match your gleam sketch in your mind. If you fail you have the blue print preserved in your memory you can set out and look for other matches if at all you are interested to personify your thoughts. Meanwhile in the second case life gets tough and difficult. Firstly you weren’t sure enough to sketch your own “my type”, second phase hits you bad. You fall in love with a person and perceive the person to be the one. After few random blinks and hangovers you find out that you are nothing but a cuddly dog chasing his tail, unsure about the inspiration that keeps the sweat flowing. Now that you are cut off, you cannot cope up with the shock. Try moving on, still stuck with the face, because remember, you matched the strike you forced yourself to believe that “this is the one”? Now you are too deep in to swim back to the shore. It gets more pungent or unpleasant when you start hating or detesting the face and find refuge (somehow) in a new face who genuinely loves you tenders you caress you. Alas! There is always a but... You step out now your mind has the picture of the person who shaped you as a lover, as a boy , as a fragile innocent ever forgiving boyfriend. The person who made you to be looser, grins back at you occasionally and you fail again. You keep looking for her..Exact structural similarities drive you crazy small things like the bend of the eye brows, the protruding canine, the little flex by the nose when its heated up, the skin tone , the broad jaw may be and the wrinkle that appears when an effort to hide the smile goes in vain. On the other hand you are happy as you can ever be, happy with a happy , cute , lovable , caring and most importantly a loyal partner. But as i have mentioned before a ‘but’ somehow sneaks in from somewhere. The void that your “matched strike” left you with to live with till you are capable of revoking emotions, gets on to you . Its not that you miss the exact person but the characteristics oh yes you miss them, yes you do. Every place you took the first one to..every corner of you mind and the darkest corners of your soul somehow does not show enough warmth to make your present feel comfortable. Many would term you as “still in love with the first one” but you know deep within you don’t fucking want the past anymore you are happy with your presents. Its just that staged where you were being shaped emotionally has being fixed, a fixation that would be there until you are gone.

stutter

left me with ruddy moments
left me with a wreck
left me with the warmth of her arms round my neck..

with the bucket of potion
eroding acquaintances
juggling with chances and patience

in deep lies the rest with superficial tremors
seeping through the crags pours out the urge
toll on resurrection as emotions surge

the castles of despair the dungeons of dark
seagulls encircling on the futile arch
blue over,blue beneath

carved craters,celebrated haters
agonized temptation
keeps a lid on lust

moments are colored rust
left them so brittle
left them cold...
left them to be desolate left them to endure cold..

to and fro

i have always have had visitors,
both worldly and some of other relative existence.
if u look at me for a while..u will see me changing, metamorphosing,
interacting wid my visitors smiling acknowledging constantly eluding.
my visitors , they make me feel important exclusive of their eternity.
each visitor arrives bringing along a certain momentary absence of the event.
accumulated instances create a havoc.
too many to handle..to satisfy to juggle.
integrating all the events from my point of perception
i am crowded.mobbed strangulated choked..tortured.
yet they keep coming on..
on and on like waves, alien and unseen to each other..
each splash unknown of other alike existences .
as an individual, they come and sooth me..calm me..keep me moist and wet..subtle.
but too much of anything good/bad becomes allergic , irritating annoying elusive
hence the membrane of control has been compromised
there is a violent and vigorous free flow...inside and outside..
intruding and evacuating
camping and wandering
nesting and freelancing
accepting and rejecting..
finding and loosing
the viscous state is reached..eventually it becomes stagnant
again and again..
eRODING and ACCUMULATING at regular crests

"what was it?" i ask.

where have you lurked?
to whom have u barked?
was it the desolate sky?
was it the shiny moon..
what made your inside barren so soon?



was it the blue ocean?
was it the distant frown?
was it the galloping waves?
was it the alien pebble?
what made you to turn away..?



was it abandoned fleet?
was it the echo of indulgence?
was it the high wall?
was it the walk on a windy shore..?
what made you to sway no more..?



lost in the melancholic sighs
trembling tumbling frolic smiles.
jittery sights..resisting kites,
they say you still breathe, exhaling highs.



was it all because the will flared?
or the soul had a part to play?
detesting end, convinces the wrecked cart,
even the time wanted to play a part.

Phase

whimsical winds breezing strong,
instances are always complained about and wronged.
the wait has been taking a toll
Alas! harsh times are on a roll..

those streets are desolate
those streets are empty
renovation could not mend the damages done
petrified the soul wants to run..

running down the time
running up the steeps
palpitating reasons are getting dry
every stride seems like a series of accumulated leaps

tiring awaiting hurling self
desperate anxious to take a diversion
moment may bring about the great fall..
till the end,i will b sparing nothing at all.

its just a wait..
wait wont be over at all
waiting for the time which wont ever arrive..
still i wait and i do not mind at all..

intruded vicinity

tried hard , thought i would anticipate the estranged feeling well..failed. 27th March yet another year, its inexplicably different as different as every 27th March has been.
maneuvered myself to some hang outs, party .. i should thank upamanyu dasgupta (upo) and sambit chakrovorty and ganga and chayan for unknowingly helping me beat the stress..
lost amongst the chuckles and shimmers of spirit. quietly propelled the thought out of the zone. yet the thing was too heavy to handle..finally gave into it.
Amazed awestruck..ashamed about my deed. it felt as if i skipped a couple of beats..palpitation got the better of me..i made up my face wid broad smiles..where my eyes would not be a help to the sensitive conclusions. tried sipping 2 -3 shots then tried gulping them gradually things started to get nasty...then the membrane broke and a drop rolled down the cheek. un-noticed , un-interrupted.somehow i allowed its down fall, my resistance would attract unnecessary attention..i definitely did not want that...
this post will be safe here..as safe as others have been,..may be i have to face the interrogation later..but i somehow manage to be "ok" with things..m sure there will be yet another being "ok" phase...m sorry for being so late(virtually).. HAppy birthday...wish u the very best and good health where ever u are...with whoever u are..take care "sugar"

missed you..

missed you..
missed you..much. the highs and the salient cries have been hiding me from you. the sense of absence creeping in always ever awaiting to ponder on weakness. no matter how hard u cling onto ur beliefs the urge is too strong to battle, to prevent.
as periods and moments fly by i behave as if i am self-trapped in a cocoon,kept in shadows about the emergence of light.
the white light the array of smiles the chuckling laughter and clattering claps..they all seem so distant. as distant star(t)s twinkling on the cloudy gray sky.
swallowing void, dry throat lazy eye lids..
they oppose my happiness, makes me remember bout my love, my merry moments..makes me remember the lousy acts of freedom. makes me to recollect bout my happy family..
now they are all gone...evaporated in an empty space..
with all trip and no tussle i am a wrecked vessel..
wish u were here...to sail me through..to the other side..if its ever there..
love you..miss you..take care where ever you are..