Fixation

The whole concept of actually loving someone takes a toll when you find love in a not so very attractive being.. I mean, being pretty is something else but the idea of actually luring someone to make the person do things that even he would have never thought of doing..is definitely a catch. As a child you tend to picture the perfect face. Some are lucky enough to strike a match others are content matching the strike, i.e. allegedly assuming the face to be the one craved for. The twist happens when the second case looses. Its ok when you have the being by you match your gleam sketch in your mind. If you fail you have the blue print preserved in your memory you can set out and look for other matches if at all you are interested to personify your thoughts. Meanwhile in the second case life gets tough and difficult. Firstly you weren’t sure enough to sketch your own “my type”, second phase hits you bad. You fall in love with a person and perceive the person to be the one. After few random blinks and hangovers you find out that you are nothing but a cuddly dog chasing his tail, unsure about the inspiration that keeps the sweat flowing. Now that you are cut off, you cannot cope up with the shock. Try moving on, still stuck with the face, because remember, you matched the strike you forced yourself to believe that “this is the one”? Now you are too deep in to swim back to the shore. It gets more pungent or unpleasant when you start hating or detesting the face and find refuge (somehow) in a new face who genuinely loves you tenders you caress you. Alas! There is always a but... You step out now your mind has the picture of the person who shaped you as a lover, as a boy , as a fragile innocent ever forgiving boyfriend. The person who made you to be looser, grins back at you occasionally and you fail again. You keep looking for her..Exact structural similarities drive you crazy small things like the bend of the eye brows, the protruding canine, the little flex by the nose when its heated up, the skin tone , the broad jaw may be and the wrinkle that appears when an effort to hide the smile goes in vain. On the other hand you are happy as you can ever be, happy with a happy , cute , lovable , caring and most importantly a loyal partner. But as i have mentioned before a ‘but’ somehow sneaks in from somewhere. The void that your “matched strike” left you with to live with till you are capable of revoking emotions, gets on to you . Its not that you miss the exact person but the characteristics oh yes you miss them, yes you do. Every place you took the first one to..every corner of you mind and the darkest corners of your soul somehow does not show enough warmth to make your present feel comfortable. Many would term you as “still in love with the first one” but you know deep within you don’t fucking want the past anymore you are happy with your presents. Its just that staged where you were being shaped emotionally has being fixed, a fixation that would be there until you are gone.