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there are these moments..inexplicable ones..

unnamed ones...probably there are no existing words worth describing.
heart pumping hard..trying to steady the amount of adrenaline needed...mind go knowledge less..blank ..desperate..anxious.
helpless at times surrender tops the agenda..burning eyes...aching forehead...disturbed mental stature.
i have done my best to be sober...but random failures are just not justified. fate favors the brave. the parameters arent clear enough..! bravery to bear the situation ...locking jaws ...tensed tendons..are surely not the criteria of being brave..
i have not just been ok with things(in the past) yet i have been awarded wid the coronation ceremony of a failure...
now when i react i am termed as spontaneous and random wrong stepper.
this state of pandemonium is too humble to handle...i fear getting hurt by myself over and over again..

jus behaving like an toppled vehicle with helpless wheels rotating ...

support i have been seeking and availing has been wronged by the lovely souls around...what now...just another fish swimming to the current only to act as a bait to a bear..? gambling with destiny...with regression analysis going all wrong...?

or like a ripple of a lake born only to die a silent un-noticed death..?

a mixed bag

a bag with lot of desires

a bag with little less of facts
few stumbling steps wont discourage
the quest for the sunshine

a bag of hope
a bag filled with diversified dope
moments gone by are best left to rot
till they manure the future

discontent with present
regret the past
kisses and hugs can some times be donated without lust
time flies by and march(some thing departed) is still warm



profanity is an object of disdain
truth is an object of irrational thought
come with me lets walk..
lets walk till you wish to embrace the illusion i chase

visitors will be commuting
its not only blessing i am counting
few fly by few tend to stay
few scorches the time, few eases the pain

the little butterfly with rich coloured wings
is trapped in a jar and songs of freedom it sings
hope and faith will carve the mule tracks
a greenary awaits, beyond the bows and barracks

once or twice

once or twice
the fire pecked the ice
the poor flame ddnt realise
it brought the ice's demise..

once or twice
the waves slapped the shore
after a while ..shore assumed it wont get slapped anymore
poor thing got slapped again,this time named the waves " a whore"

once or twice
i felt i was wrong
i misheard the knell going ding dong
poor me..ddnt realise i was dead since a long

once or twice
re-birth will b on the list
promise u next time i wont slash my wrist
instead will pen down my experience from ashes to a cyst

A second Sight

many a times..
being grouped with mean hearts , rare absurd aint enough
aint enough to push u in a pack of flesh tearing hungry lusty wolves.

un-expressive face , repulsive character , blood shot eyes
dose not make me harvester of demise
the glitters are fading its not only extra pounds m shedding

lips flex to fake a smile..
lowered shoulders ..negotiating another mile,
yet sole is intact.. m not worn out as a matter of fact

as fingers lay lazy on keys..
cannot really comprehend what my selfish eyes see
hopes and dreams fogged by fleas

pleas arent enough to help me through
when the law goes bad ..u have none to sue
lastly, dejected, heart broken i am angry, hence i swear..
to me i will always be true..
i will be still loving you...

wreck-ed

as the ship finally sank
taking down soldiers according to the rank
the fumes n foam were in plenty
engine was faulty

blame the maker blame the crew
blamed none ..none was there to put the blame on to
blamed the sea, or blame the "me"
blame anyone but the sail was just not meant to be

the await lives on few last breaths
leaving(living) the news on the fate
the lunatic was born
words killed the wait,blaming the storm

minds went on to rest as all hope is gone

dependence a disastrous phenomenon

my fault was, that i depended on the trend. changed my life drastically an effectively negative impact. they make me sway like a palm tree caught in the tempest n grounded firmly to the fear of consequences no courage to rebel.. thankfully i believe i am not uprooted yet.

As tears filled to the brim became hard to dam, smile disappeared from the lips. the cloud of melancholy covered the green patch. as i looked for sunshine i was blinded by clouds of sadness.

my being has lost a purpose always swinging like a pendulum with kinetic and potential energy accumulated enough to swing me for a lifetime. at every instance my presence irritated the moment. to break down was not more considered as an idea ( ideas are meant or aimed at betterment). I still regret and my heart is still heavy. As every time i have been trying to mend the time made me to destroy. every time i have tried to build the foundations was not taken care of. to be blamed is not as hurting as it was before.
i am sick i am tired i am lost. have lost the enthusiasm to try something innovative more over i am too weak to forget n take another step. i want to express but i dont have a proper language. What has become of me. i dont want to loose my self in this traumatic manner. i do realise i am goin wrong i am loosing my composure i am volatile but how can i put it too an end. i am wrong, all wrong. by fate n time ( too weak to take the blame on me) i am wronged.

the ship..

the ship..
as obidient as a programmed cyborg.
i get what i want..theres something weird about me. somehow i always end up wishing for miseries and being quite content with every bitter fruit i dominate on.
i rejoice the erratic virtue of choice..
building castles in the air..as always it collapses to my despair.when ever the journey has been some what on the verge of being steady there has to be an abandoned package of curse in the way..and i love unpacking packages ...the utter feeling of shock drives me insane and sometimes inhumane.
few nights back was laying on my back under the sky...gazing clueless -target stars.
a twinkling sun expressed how relative things can be...i see them mobbing the sky above me..but astronauts say they are walled by light-years.
disgust ,exhaust , lost , weak , hopeless
in the end all gets squared up!!
Cheerz !! AMEN

sugar saline

making me weak and on my knees is just a mere child's play..the way you do it. those big loud eyes has so much to say ..yet the language has been unknown for a long time.perhaps thats the reason why i am scared of time.alike a sudden soothing breeze you appear and wipe off my anxieties. you bring along the fragrance of hope and a dream of being merry.
the sand-clock is getting tired and has lost its purpose. its getting hard for the streams to flow. as everything around just freezes and despair takes a bow. how easily how.things would have been so different and so serene my room would define bliss for me..and my brain will finally be at peace.
few things are just not meant to be..last thing i want to be is like a rail track ever laying by each other but they are never to meet ensuring few "safety" issues.i hail to thee..my fate,thy have mastered the art of treachery time has blundered and with thy help it has taken the "precious" from me.
i still hope i still search for the speck of vegetation and that island of trust.where me and you will be laying on the bed of sand and covered by the stars the breeze will chant our stories and sea will guard us from the searching lamps.

sugar -quoted miseries

27 th march 2010
situations have shed their scales...and beginning to grow new ones.6-5 years back i remember this day at the pizza hut camac street. serene wonderful perfect...it has been truly said "time doesn't change..but the people do"
happily we are glad to accuse the dumb time. it cant speak but by its action it has surely created an army of time-haters.
thought i would overcome the sea..sailed perfectly..the wind was strong n brushing perfectly against my canvas. Alas!! good time doesn't last long..eventually was swallowed in the sea.
Life is the best n the most tyrant teacher..although i have never been a good student i have learnt my lessons.
you have always painted the "mis-haps" with bright colors (to which i am allergic) hush!! i don't blame you..human survival instincts.
as this blog of mine welcomes or rather entertains no visitors..its safe to be weak here...else scavengers encircling over..huh!!
its your birthday today.. "happy birthday to you"
i am not going to accuse you or curse you or hold u responsible for the troubled waters i am trapped in now. should have learned how to swim. take care..be happy..i wish u a prosperous and a successful life...
thank you.

an self Actualization

well i believe it was over on the 27th of this year, January...i even scribbled it on my computer desk with a red "permanent" marker..
it didn't turn out to be the end there..but today as i write here...i smile ,smile on the paradox of life...and how the puzzle unfolds with every throw of a dice.
yes i admit i did not anticipate the situation well. i should have handled it better..as i always manage to do (: apparently). true i have been forgiven many a times..its funny cause my pleas are becoming just like waves..they r in plenty..
As i have estimated the end of the journey here..i would really really ..really want justice to be served with hot chocolate sauce..
Few people who have managed to tolerate me till now are real kind..but few are ruthless..one interesting point is nice people are bad cause they make me feel guilty while ruthless people are good eh! i don't have any regrets screwing them up..!
i still have a doubt bout ..will the justice be justified...ever?

"Dont disturb me anymore in life.."

4 yrs of patience nd 3 years of semi -ignorance...n ceremony of my self immersion has fetched me this...none will breathe air..if u r responsible for this...boy u need to fear the wrath...count ur days.

hence the justice has been rightly served...from the turmoils n un-smooth persistence of fate i have yield an awesome statement that will eventually prove to be a changing shaft in the track of my line...thank u.i knw the person concerned will never get to see this..but i convey my humble regards to the person.
thanks for showing me where i am n where u are
i thank u for letting me know that i am sick in my head..
and more over thank you for saying me fuck off....these wonderful words will act as neurotic medicine makin me calm n numb...so i get my priorities right...n regarding history...they are too historic to be referred .. ha ha ha...

thy time shall sentence me

i had a dream of being an encyclopedia of intoxication ..but thanks to my ma now all hope is gone
and from the core of my heart i express that i dont regret it.
there was time when i craved for a drop of alcohol a drag of weed or few tablets that would take me closer to my dream.
with a heart full of pride i declare that i have digested these few so called "bad" urges .
now as i stand here and look back ...i regret the fact that i was an irresponsible child..a disloyal boyfriend and an insensible human being.
now the only things thats stands in the way of me and absolute purification is weed.
i wish to do away with it once i recover from my injuries i suffered because of my accident and re-join my gym...
i am really looking forward to walk on the path of serenity and bliss of self-actualization.
i thank everyone who has n will corporate with me
thank you for being there with me when i needed u the most...
thank you

lal selam ....REST IN PEACE

pain is timeless

I nevermourn, I never look back
as long as Thy phosphoric rays
grant me more pleasure than pain
I, who is evil can receive no good
though I still crave, I'm yearning for
Thy healing touch ov grace...

the end

my head is on the verge of faking a volcano eruption...
i don't know what would calm..it..i have got weed enough to make me stoic ..but my parents aren't asleep yet..
i cant dope while they are awake n alert.i need silence i need privacy n most importantly i need my parents to be asleep n unaware..
its true..the world is round n after walking a considerably long path u tend to reach the same point...from where your cursed journey has started.
i am fed up.but not totally fed up.yet i try hard to console i do regret rarely cause i don't believe in unproductive activities.
some one somebody do something to end it once and for all...if u are reading this then i must thank u..cause as i am writing this my nerves are getting over saturated..it may happen any time...n u may ultimately experience the end.

help me plz help me..i plead"this is nt a rite up"

kill me please..
the bullets i fired once r here 2 puncher my heart.
i dnt wanna die of my own stab my own stagger
help me i plead kill me..is thr any 1 readin this..plz pray 2 wuevr u think is worth..
but make sure i mus die..dat too soon plz..kill me

some night

"some night
the moon will shine for me
the waves recreate melody
eyes of trust will light
a shelter for a lost kite
some night..

the trees wud flex
prayers wud respond irrespective o sex
tears will roll to complement smile
the morning wont be a personality fight
after some night...

ur tender words wud feel my hearts cheek
mom wont throw rusty words on an abnormal disheartened freak
there would be a purpose in my sight
some night... "
----st.Sanju

moments went by as i decayed ..when the carcass surrendered to the worms of fate..there is nothing they left.. everything they ate